S#*T I Do in a Crisis

I am an ER nurse, through-and-through.  When I'm at work, I shine in moments of crisis; slow to scare, quick to act.  When s#*t hits the fan, I head straight in when other people might run.  In the ER, when it comes to "fight or flight" responses- I'm DEFINITELY the fight!  I'm not bragging, I'm just laying down the facts.  To thrive in the ER you HAVE to be like this.  There's no other way to succeed.

So imagine my surprise (at myself) today when, while walking in the woods with a hiking group I organize, we come across a HUGE A$$ Timber Rattler square in the middle of the trail, shaking its tail menacingly at us.  What's my reaction, my GUT instinct?  I scream- no, SHRIEK like the banshees of Galway- and high tail it in the opposite direction.  This while the men in the group calmly stop and make a wide circle around the creature to take a closer look.

The excitement over the rattler sighting was NOTHING compared to the hysterical laughter that ensued over my reaction.  I mean, I can honestly say that it was as if I were all alone and came across someone murdering someone else- I screamed like my life depended on it.  PANIC is the only word for it.

But wait.  I'm an ER nurse.  I don't PANIC!!

I laughed with the rest of them, but inside I was ruminating about how un-"ER-" like that was of me and wondering where the hell it came from....??!!

And then a thought crossed my head: WHAT KIND OF F^CKING IDIOT WALKS TOWARD A RATTLESNAKE??!!!

My reaction couldn't have been MORE ER RN-like!  Folks, it goes like THIS:

 Person's bleeding = apply pressure.  

Blood pressure drops = lay them flat.  

Ventricular Tachycardia on the heart monitor = SHOCK.  

Pulseless = compress. 

Come across a HUGE A$$ Rattlesnake in the woods = RUN, MORON!

This is why I'm the one who saves your life while you're out there acting like a damned fool.

You're welcome, very much...

Gender: UNKNOWN

Gender: UNKNOWN

Sooooooo, Our Triage Nurses are now the ones to register the patient.  The point is that an RN needs to be the first person to "see/greet/assess" a patient, and by having us register the patient, this proves to all who care that this happens.

It's not too much of a tedious process.  I need to know their name, DOB, and sex.  Simple, right?  You'd be surprised how much discussion needs to take place with people regarding their names and birthdays.  Spellings differ, state IDs and insurance cards don't always match up, some people remember their names, but not their birthdays, others seem to know their birthdays but not their names... again, you can't make this S#*t up! 

And then you get to the third question- SEX.  On our registration form, there are three options: MALE, FEMALE, UNKNOWN.  You'd think this would not warrant a discussion, but, surprisingly it warrants one more often than you'd think.  And it's always awkward.

My favorite story is this one instance, the person called himself a "she," but from the looks of it, she was in the process of changing from one gender to the other, but it wasn't clear which direction it was going.  While I watched a poor flustered nurse try to make heads or tails of it, I almost lost my shit when she finally blurted out, "I'm sorry, but all I really want to know is if you have the internal sexual organs to become pregnant, because then I have to do a urine pregnancy test (UCG)."  I give her credit- I would have given up at first sight and opted for UNKNOWN.

Not a huge fan of this guy, but this particular skit is sooooo apropos:

Check it out!

Stupid is as Stupid Does

It's been awhile since I've posted- actually, over two months.  I've had sort of a writers block and lately I've been pondering WHY this is.  I mean, every day I walk into work and hear some of the most ridiculous things ever uttered from people's mouths in the history of the universe (no exaggeration).

Then, one of two things happen:

• (1)  In the name of self preservation, I erase the memories of the day and can't think of a damn thing to write about when I get home or
•  (2) I just can't find the words to even describe the nonsense I've experienced. 

 Let's be serious:  I'm a nurse, not a writer, and anything I write here is just a reflection of an experience I've had- there is NO creativity behind it at all.  It's just pure and simple repetition of what others have uttered in my direction.

And today, sitting at my computer and trying to think of something to write, I came across a PERFECT meme (?) to describe anything and everythig that may or maynot make it to this Blog:

And I'd like to add:  "With extra stupid cherries and stupid whipped cream on the stupid top..."

Thank you and have a nice day.

S#*t People Say and Thankfully No One Hears

Some things are just so not cool.

Like when you take 10 minutes to set up the fancy Skype-like American Sign Language interpreter computer so you can triage a deaf patient ...

and then you proceed to yell the patient's name, expecting her to hear you and enter the triage room.

It's even less cool when your colleagues hit the floor cracking up at your totally mindless and brainless faux pas.

Didn't see it happen,
 didn't hear it happen,
didn't say it happened...
Didn't happen then, did it?

We'll never grow up, will we?